If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:2 NLT)
Have you ever thought about divorce? Be honest. Has there been a point in your marriage where you said, “I can’t do this” “This is so hard” “I don’t have to take this.” No? Well I have. I had those thoughts one month after getting married. Can you believe that? One month after I said “I do”, I wanted to say ‘I don’t anymore.’ Looking back I think that is crazy. But in those moments, they were real honest emotions.
It was a new reality. This man now lives with me. We share the same space everyday. His clothes, shoes, toiletries, and man stuff were everywhere. Plus to add to matters I was pregnant with our first child, enter hormones and pregnancy emotions. Looking back I feel sorry for him. Poor guy.
Have you ever thrown around the “D” word? You know, the word we should not ever say? I have. I threw around the “D” word to cause hurt. If I felt backed into a corner, I wanted him to know I have options and don’t have to share my space. I had a “my space” mentality. And if he wanted to invade my space or make me share I cut him with the “D” word so he would back off. Well he did back off. I even brought him to a few tears once, because he loved me and my words were so hurtful. He chose me as his wife and never wanted us to separate.
After a while he was tired of hearing the divorce word. So one night he told me, “fine if that’s what you want so be it.” To my shock I couldn’t believe he was fed up! My eyes got big and I was thrown into reality that he has a breaking point. I couldn’t use that word to get my way any longer. He was upset and hurt but he was not going to be a doormat. Instantly my feelings turned and I admitted to myself, I don’t really want a divorce. I don’t really want to be without my husband. I just want things my way and for his stuff to not be in my space or in my way. I felt sad and nervous that he would actually pursue divorce. So I asked him if he really wanted that. He said “of course not.” Whew, sweat from my brow. Thank God! So we talked and I let him know how I was truly feeling instead of hurling threats at him. He listened and we thought of compromises together. This was all within 3 months of being married.
In a marriage retreat two years later I learned we should never use that word to harm our spouse. It should be considered a word of the enemy. To use it, is to cause pain that could lead to a road we didn’t intend to be on. It brings pain that needs deep counsel to repair. Only in very serious circumstances, life threatening, counseled and tried to fix kind of circumstances, is when the “D” word should be considered. Even then, a lot of prayer and counseling needs to happen. That wasn’t Pete and I. We weren’t in those shoes. It was selfish of me, wanting my selfish way. Thank God for His grace. I’m grateful for God’s wisdom to open my eyes early or at least on time, before I ruined my marriage. I wasn’t loving Pete. I was loving myself. I was failing at love only because I wasn’t giving love. So yes, love never fails but we can fail at love.
In 1 Corinthians 13 it says “Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7 CEB) The NKJV says “love… bears all things…”
Pete definitely put up with me, an only child, learning to adjust to marriage life. I definitely put up with his ways of adjusting to marriage life as well. Growing pains, that’s what they should be called. Giving more of myself and space to another person was hard for me in the beginning. But through Christ I am able to see, doing that is true love. Giving love without thought, giving myself and my space to my husband is love. Love never fails because Jesus is the definition of love and He showed us how to sacrifice ourselves for another. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for us, and I’m over here not wanting to share? Wow, right?
If you are saying “I don’t” or “I can’t” in your marriage, have you considered the root of the matter? Whether it is shallow matters or deeper issues? Have you been honest with yourself as to why you think you want a divorce? Hopefully it was only in a fleeting moment of a thought. But in those fleeting thoughts, immediately we must go to God for truth and correction. Humble ourselves. Pray and seek God’s wisdom. Seek godly women for advice. Church is important for community. In this community you can meet other women like yourself with similar stories that will help you in your day to day.
I’m praying that tonight, before you close your eyes you get on your knees and pray. I pray you talk to God about your thoughts and ask Him to show you what to do. Ask Him to help you see outside your own perspective and for Him to bring wisdom that will strengthen your marriage. Pray for your husband to be shown the same from the Lord. Marriage is a team sport. It can only be won together- God, your husband, & you.